Thursday Cakesman was born in the town of Rural, Ohio in 1981. It is rumored that along with his mother’s afterbirth came a tiny, lapel-sized, clip-on microphone. Soon after he was born, his mother noticed his bellybutton was shaped exactly like Texas. She took this as a bad omen and immediately had it filled in with skin from his left thigh. At the age of two, Thursday had already produced a ten-minute audio retrospective on his pet frog, Alphonso. Unfortunately the tape was destroyed when it was eaten and regurgitated by his cat, Smomp. In 1986 the Cakesman family was forced to evacuate their home due to a horrific ant infestation. The infestation was said to have begun after Thursday broke a story about a bag of barbecue potato chips that had spilled on the carpet in the living room. The Cakesman family moved to Colorado Springs that same year and enrolled Thursday in the local, fundamentalist, Christian public high school. Although Thursday was extremely bright, he was often bored in school and received poor grades. One school report read, “When Thursday is called upon to answer a question he always holds his hand up to his ear and says ‘Hi Jane, I’m afraid we have a bad connection. Back to the studio!’”
Thursday spent most of his free time interviewing Colorado Springs locals and blasting the interviews on the loudspeaker, which he had rigged on top of the Cakesman roof. He was particularly fond of the town’s professional ice cream scooper, a young girl named Alsie Homat. During 1991-93, Thursday interviewed Alsie somewhere between 4000-5000 times and the interviews were often ice cream related. One particularly controversial report involved mice that were found dead in the ice cream parlor’s pantry, encrusted in a pool of spilled caramel sauce. The mice were apparently bloated to three times their usual size. When autopsied, they were found to have died from over consumption of Brownie Fudge Delight—Wednesday’s daily flavor.
In 1993, a local morning radio DJ named Annoy was driving down the Cakesman’s street when he heard one of Thursday’s reports about declining skunk populations blasting from the loudspeaker on top of their roof. At that same moment, he hit a skunk running in the road and it was instantly killed. Annoy was surprised by the report’s accuracy and decided to knock on the Cakesman’s door to see who was reporting on these events. Annoy offered Thursday a job as junior reporter on the spot and he quickly accepted. Soon Thursday was one of the top reporters in Colorado Springs. He reported on such topics as puberty, gardening tips, and the economy. He soon moved out of his parents’ house and Alphonso the frog became his legal guardian. At the age of 14 Alsie and Thursday married. They lived in a tiny studio apartment where the stove doubled as a sink.
When he was 16, Thursday moved to Denver where he worked at Denver’s hottest AM news radio station, 560 KRAP. It was there he met the infamous billionaire heir—Jonathan Reservoir. Cakesman and Reservoir soon bonded over their shared love of rainbow chasing. They were often seen chasing rainbows across the Colorado plains, with Cakesman reporting on their every move. Reservoir destroyed dozens of BMWs on these dangerous missions, but he always had a backup waiting in the garage.
In 1998 Thursday and Jonathan joined the local United Atheist Youth (UAY) chapter. It was there Thursday met Janna Braunstien, a brace-faced, jokester who would become one of his closest friends and partner in crime. One night, Thursday, Janna, and another friend named Beatrice decided to throw a midnight pajama party at Thursday’s 560 KRAP radio station offices. During the party Janna decided it would be funny to a raid the office supply closet. She found a sheet of 24 nametags that each said, “Hello my name is…” on them. In the space for the name she wrote, “I eat pee.” She wrote this on every nametag, peeled them off and stuck them all over the walls of the office. When Thursday discovered what Janna had done, he screamed in horror and hurled a computer at her face. Unfortunately, he missed, and the computer went tumbling through a glass window and down six stories to the parking lot.
When Thursday returned to work on Monday morning, he confessed to the mess and was promptly fired. However, Thursday was a master negotiator and somehow managed to convince his employers to let him continue his reporting work elsewhere. He was traded to a news radio station in a desolate town called Columbia, Missouri. In return for their trade, 560 KRAP received a ceramic, peacock cookie jar.
Alsie relocated to Columbia with Thursday, and there they became one of the town’s most notable couples. They were often seen out on the town, hobnobbing with various cross-eyed Missouri celebrities. Thursday won 16 new awards while working in Columbia—one of them which was an in-depth investigative report concerning Jonathan Reservoir’s fear of metal utensils. Reservoir became furious when he got word of this report and arranged for a hit man to kill Thursday and Alsie’s beloved frog Alphonso. Fortunately, his plan was foiled when Alphonso took his own life the night before the hit man was to sneak into Thursday and Alsie’s home. Unbeknownst to his owners, Alphonso was dying of lung cancer and was only given a year to live. His suffering had become unbearable and he crawled into the dishwasher after a Tuesday meatloaf night meal and was cleaned to death.
In 2006, Thursday and Alsie relocated again— this time to Houston, Texas where he was offered a job as a cowboy/reporter. Unfortunately, Alsie, now a professional spy, was forced to move to Aspen Colorado for six months to work on a mission meant to catch Republicans in various acts of hypocrisy. While Alsie was gone, Thursday dipped into a deep depression and spent his days eating cold steak in bed and showering in his cowboy boots. Eventually the steak ran out so he began eating lint from the dryer to survive. By the time Alsie returned to Houston, Thursday had lost his job and was eating his beloved cowboy boots. Alsie quickly nursed him back to health and he began freelancing for a local CBS affiliate, which he continues to do to this day.